Monday, June 28, 2010

In Which She Dares

For I have known them all already, known them all:—
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons,
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons
Not that I have actually measured out my life with coffee spoons, but lattes, cigarettes, books read, shawls knit--and maybe miles run?

I am not a runner.

And yet somehow two and half years after my brother's death, I will find myself running 13.1 miles through Disney World in something I hope will be both productive and cathartic. I raised about $1750 for the Hole in the Wall Gang camps last fall only to be deployed for my job two months early and miss the race. This year I have simply paid out my own money for a registration and like I promised all those who donated, I will run. It wasn't my intention to run out some of the demons that have been chasing me since R was diagnosed with leukemia but there are demons and perhaps putting my 50lbs-overweight body through something like this will sweat them out. Maybe I need time. Maybe I need to accomplish something concrete (because somehow volunteering for four-cum-six months in Iraq isn't concrete enough).

This will not be a weight loss blog or a running blog or a knitting blog. It will be a blog in which I, your faithful heroine, dare to disturb my universe.

I dare to quit smoking. I dare to finally lose my stress-eating ways and lose the 50lbs that should never have been gained. I dare to challenge myself to run 13.1 miles when I can barely run one. I dare to take care of myself. I dare to wear red lipstick. I dare to try online dating. I dare to kick any guy to the curb who doesn't love every damn thing about me. I dare to give myself the things I need instead of always the things I want.

I dare to disturb my universe.

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